WILLIE NELSON ANNOUNCED THAT HE "HAS OUTLIVED HIS DICK". WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED! EXCEPT FOR A FEW MORE LINES ON AN ALREADY WELL-WORN FACE, HE LOOKS A LOT LIKE HE'S ALWAYS LOOKED, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE OLDER. I STARTED TO NOTICE AS I TROLLED AROUND PALM SPRINGS, A KNOWN WATERING HOLE FOR RETIREES, THAT LOTS OF OLDER MEN, ALTHOUGH STILL LOOKING FIT ENOUGH, PROBABLY HAVE A DECEASED MEMBER IN THEIR PANTS. THERE ARE SOME REMEDIES FOR THIS SORT OF PROBLEM. ONE CAN BARELY TURN ON THE TELEVISION WITHOUT SEEING "BOB" TOTALLY RE-INVENT HIMSELF BY TAKING A CERTAIN ERECTION ENHANCING PILL. IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO LOOK YOUNG, THEY WANT TO FEEL YOUNG, TOO. THERE IS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF SURRENDER REQUIRED TO NAVIGATE THIS LAST CHAPTER OF LIFE GRACEFULLY. SHOULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE IN TO IT A LITTLE BIT THE WAY WILLIE NELSON HAS AND MOVE ON TO THE COMFORT OF HAVING HAD AN INTERESTING JOURNEY? BY THE WAY, IN PALM SPRINGS, THE GRAVE DIGGING UNION IS POPULATED SOLELY BY WOMEN.

WELL, IT'S OFFICIALLY OVER. OUR GIRL HILLARY DID HERSELF PROUD BY ALL ESTIMATES. IF THERE'S ANYONE LEFT ON THE PLANET THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE SEXUAL BIAS EXISTS, I SUGGEST THEY COME OUT OF THAT CAVE THEY OCCUPY AND SMELL THE COFFEE. MY DEAR FRIENDS, THIS CAMPAIGN WAS A REAL EYE-OPENER. THE FACT THAT OUR UNITED STATES RATES 68TH IN THE WORLD FOR FEMININE REPRESENTATION IN GOVERNMENT IS AN EMBARRASSMENT FOR ALL OF US.

I EXPERIENCED A PREJUDICE AGAINST THE OLDER WOMAN A FEW YEARS AGO AND IT INSPIRED ME TO PICK UP A PEN AND WRITE MY BOOK IN HER DEFENSE. LIKE LOTS OF WOMEN, I CRINGED EVERY TIME I HEARD A COMMENT OR REFERRENCE TO WHAT HILLARY WOULD LOOK LIKE AS SHE AGED, OR HER CHOSEN WARDROBE FOR THE CAMPAIGN, OR THE FACT THAT SHE WAS OVERWHELMED ONE DAY AT HOW CRUEL THE JOURNEY HAD BECOME AND ALLOWED HERSELF TO SHOW SOME EMOTION.

I DON'T KNOW ANY WOMEN WHO ARE NOT GRATEFUL TO HILLARY FOR UNDERTAKING HER HISTORIC GROUND AND CEILING BREAKING EFFORT TO BECOME OUR NEXT PRESIDENT. THE ADMIRATION I FEEL FOR HER KNOWS NO BOUNDS OR LIMITS. SHE IS REMARKABLE, COURAGEOUS, STRONG AND COMMITTED IN WAYS THAT WOULD CHALLENGE THE BEST OF US. MAY I SPEAK FOR ALL WOMEN WHEN I OFFER MY THANKS AND APPRECIATION TO HER FOR RAISING THE BAR, ENLIGHTENING THE MASSES AND SHOWING THE WORLD WHAT A CAPABLE WOMAN CAN DO. MORE THAN THAT, I THANK HILLARY FOR GIVING EVERY YOUNG WOMAN A REASON TO BELIEVE THAT EVERY DREAM IS POSSIBLE.

AT GOLD'S GYM THE OTHER DAY, I WAS OBSERVING TWO WOMEN WORKING OUT TOGETHER. WHILE I CHOOSE TO ATTEND TO MY MORNING WORKOUTS WITH A BARE FACE, I NOTICED THAT THEY WERE BOTH WEARING MASCARA, AND FOUND IT INTERESTING, AS I LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM, THAT MOST OF THE OTHER WOMEN WERE ALSO WEARING MASCARA. IT'S A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP, A WOMAN AND HER MASCARA. ALTHOUGH THERE ARE MANY BRANDS IN THE MARKETPLACE, EVERY WOMAN HAS HER PREFERENCES AND THE EARNEST BELIEF THAT HER CHOSEN WAND IS THE ONE THAT TRANSFORMS HER FROM THE PLAIN JANE WITH THE BLANK STARE SHE SEES IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING TO THE SEXY FLIRT WHO CAN BAT THOSE LASHES WITH THE BEST OF THEM. I CONFESS TO BEING ONE OF THOSE WOMEN. MY MASCARA OF CHOICE, AFTER YEARS OF RESEARCH AND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF MISTAKES, IS THE STALWART DRUGSTORE CHAMPION MASCARA FOR EVERY GENERATION, THE VENERABLE MAYBELLINE. YES, AT $4.50, IT'S STILL THE BEST BARGAIN IN THE MARKETPLACE. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE RARE OCCASIONS WHEN PAYING MORE DOESN'T NECESSARILY BUY A BETTER PRODUCT. THIS IS NOT A SECRET. SEVERAL YEARS AGO, I WAS KILLING TIME AT THE BAR IN THE LOBBY OF THE HILTON HOTEL IN BEVERLY HILLS. THEY WERE HOLDING AN A-LIST HOLLYWOOD FUNDRAISER/DINNER-DANCE AND I HAD A FRONT ROW SEAT WATCHING THE PARADE OF CELEBRITIES ARRIVE IN FULL REGALIA. BEFORE LONG, A WOMAN SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME, OBVIOUSLY DRESSED TO ATTEND THE GALA. SHE ALSO HAD SOME TIME TO KILL. IT WAS A BIT DIFFICULT NOT TO NOTICE THAT SHE WAS LITERALLY DRIPPING IN DIAMONDS: A STUNNING NECKLACE, BRACELETS, SOME DROP-DEAD EARRINGS AND SEVERAL IMPRESSIVE (AND LARGE) RINGS. A LESS DISCREET GAWKER COULD HAVE GONE BLIND IN THE GLARE. SHE TURNED TO ME, AFTER DOWNING A COUPLE OF DRY MARTINIS, AND ASKED IF I THOUGHT SHE SHOULD JOIN THE OTHERS, ALL OF WHOM HAD ALREADY ENTERED THE BALLROOM. I AGREED THAT SHE PROBABLY SHOULD MAKE HER ENTRANCE. BUT FIRST, SHE INSISTED, A MOMENT FOR GROOMING. WITH THAT, SHE REACHED INTO HER JUDITH LEIBER HANDBAG (AN EASY THREE GRAND) AND, AS MY JAW DROPPED, SHE PULLED OUT THAT UBIQUITOUS $4.50 GREEN AND PINK WAND OF MAYBELLINE MASCARA, FOR A QUICK TOUCH-UP. THAT WOMAN WAS BARBARA SINATRA. A BARGAIN IS A BARGAIN IS A BARGAIN. BY THE WAY, I'D SETTLE FOR BEING THE PLAIN JANE SHE STARTS OUT WITH EVERY MORNING.

THERE IS NO MORE PASSIONATE SUPPORTER OF WOMEN IN PUBLIC THAN YOURS TRULY. HOWEVER, NOW AND THEN IT MUST BE NOTED WHEN THINGS SEEM TO GO AWRY FROM SOME OF THOSE OUT THERE IN PUBLIC. PARDON ME FOR RANTING, BUT ELIZABETH HASSELBECK SHOULD BE MUZZLED, STAR JONES SHOULD JUST GO AWAY PERMANENTLY, AND MEREDITH VIERA, ALTHOUGH DELIGHTFULLY EARTHY, SHOULD LEARN TO STAND WITH HER LEGS TOGETHER. MOST MEMORABLE, I THINK, IS THE INTERVIEW I SAW RECENTLY ON THE TODAY SHOW. MADONNA, DRESSED TO THE NINES IN DESIGNER ALL-OVER, INTERVIEWED BY ANN CURRY, WHOSE CLOYING SINCERITY MAKES ME GAG. I WAS TRANSFIXED WATCHING AND LISTENING TO MADONNA, SPEAKING IN PERFECT TEA-ROOM BRITISH ABOUT HAVING "FULFILLED THE POTENTIAL OF HER SOUL". HOW COULD I STOP THE IMAGE OF HER, WRITHING ON THE GROUND, SINGING (?) ABOUT BEING A VIRGIN, FROM CROSSING MY MIND AT THAT MOMENT? EXCUSE ME, WASN'T SHE THE GIRL FROM DETROIT WITH HAIR UNDER HER ARMS????? ANOTHER TRIBUTE TO THE ART OF REINVENTION!!!

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN I SAW THE PICTURE OF VLADIMIR PUTIN WITH HIS SHIRT OFF THAT THIS IS A MAN IN CRISIS. I WOULD BE WILLING TO GUESS THAT A LITTLE FURTHER INVESTIGATION WOULD PROBABLY RENDER A RED CONVERTIBLE IN HIS GARAGE. THE FINAL PIECE OF EVIDENCE: VLADDIE HAS BEEN LINKED TO A GYMNAST HALF HIS AGE, WHOSE SPECIALTY APPEARS TO BE THE INCREDIBLE FLEXIBILITY OF HER BODY. NICOLAS SARKOZY, PRESIDENT OF FRANCE, HAS MARRIED HIS YOUNG THING, THE ITALIAN MODEL, CARLA BRUNI, 25 YEARS HIS JUNIOR. THE WORLD TAKES THESE EVENTS IN STRIDE AND WHY SHOULDN'T THEY? WE HAVE OBSERVED MEN IN POWERFUL POSITIONS MARRYING YOUNGER WOMEN THROUGHOUT TIME WITHOUT BATTING THE PROVERBIAL FALSE EYELASH. I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHAT POLITICAL STORMS WOULD BE CREATED IF A WOMAN IN POWER TOOK A YOUNGER LOVER AND FLAUNTED THE RELATLIONSHIP PUBLICLY. WHAT SCANDAL AND OUTRAGE WOULD FILL THE FRONT PAGES OF NEWSPAPERS AROUND THE GLOBE. WOULDN'T IT BE INTERESTING IF HILARY CLINTON WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT AND IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT SHE WAS HAVING TADPOLE SEX IN THE OVAL OFFICE LATE AT NIGHT WHILE HER HUSBAND WAS BUSY SELLING TICKETS TO THE EXTRA BEDROOMS. I DARESAY WE'D DO MORE THAN JUST IMPEACH HER. I'M SURE SOME NEW FORM OF HIDEOUS PUNISHMENT WOULD BE DEVISED STRICTLY FOR HER, LIKE MAYBE FORCING HER TO HAVE DINNER EVERY NIGHT FOR A MONTH WITH WITH CHRIS MATTHEWS. NO DOUBT IMPEACHMENT WOULD PALE BY COMPARISON TO SHARING EVERY EVENING WITH THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING HUMAN BEING.

BRACE YOURSELVES, LADIES. IVANA TRUMP, WHO HAS OFTEN SAID THAT SHE WOULD RATHER BE A BABYSITTER THAN A NURSE, HAS PROVED HER POINT AND MARRIED HER TADPOLE. THE YOUNG MAN IN QUESTION, A SWARTHY BUT HANDSOME ITALIAN, IS 23 YEARS HER JUNIOR. THIS WILL CERTAINLY QUALIFY IVANA FOR HALL OF FAME STATUS, ALONG WITH CURRENT TADPOLE CHAMPION, JOAN COLLINS.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE TADPOLE PHENOMENA LAST NIGHT OVER DINNER, AS I WAS OBSERVING A MUCH OLDER, WELL DRESSED COUPLE WHO ENTERED THE RESTAURANT SINGLE FILE, SHE HOLDING ON TO THE VENTS OF HIS JACKET AS THEY SHUFFLED THEIR WAY TO THEIR TABLE. THE STAFF WAS FAMILIAR WITH THE COUPLE, AS IF THIS DANCE HAS PLAYED OUT HUNDREDS OF TIMES. THEIR SERVER CUT UP THE WOMAN'S FOOD FOR HER. IT SEEMED OBVIOUS TO ME THAT SHE WAS CONSIDERABLY OLDER THAN THE GENTLEMAN, EMPHASIZED BY THE FACT THAT SHE REMAINED CATATONIC THROUGHOUT THE MEAL AND NEVER UTTERED A WORD. HE SIPPED A GLASS OF WINE WITH HIS DINNER, EATEN WITHOUT ASSISTANCE. AS HE BUTTERED HER BREAD FOR HER, I WAS TOUCHED BY THE KINDNESS OF THE GESTURE, AS WELL AS THE PATIENCE AND DEEP LOVE SUGGESTED BY THE LOOK ON HIS FACE. THIS IS THE TADPOLE RELATIONSHIP IN IT'S MOST EVOLVED VERSION. SO, BRAVO, IVANA! SHE WON'T HAVE TO BE THE NURSE, BUT WILL SURELY HAVE ONE WHEN SHE NEEDS IT.

IT'S A SHAME. PRISCILLA PRESLEY USED TO BE SO PRETTY. WE'RE ALL IN SHOCK AT THE WAY HER FACE LOOKS NOW BECAUSE SHE GOT INVOLVED WITH A CHARLATAN WHO CLAIMED TO BE A DOCTOR. IF THE TRUTH BE KNOWN, PRISCILLA'S FACE HAD ALREADY STARTED TO LOOK OVERDONE. THE BOTOX FAD/OBSSESSION IN HOLLYWOOD IS RAMPANT. WHO WILL EVER FORGET SEEING KATIE COURIC HER FIRST NIGHT AS NETWORK NEWSANCHOR. THAT PERMANENT LOOK OF SURPRISE HAS BECOME SO FAMILIAR AND RECOGNIZABLE THAT WE HAVE BEGUN TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE. THIS IS DANGEROUS IN A REAL WAY. A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE HAD A GRAN MAL SEIZURE THREE YEARS AGO THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A BRAIN TUMOR. IN THE COURSE OF HER RECOVERY, SHE HAS BEEN SEEING A NEUROLOGIST WHO TOLD HER THAT HIS PRACTICE HAS TRIPLED IN THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS BECAUSE THE LADIES WHO HAVE BEEN INJECTING BOTOX INTO THEIR FACES ARE NOW HAVING NEUROLOGICAL ISSUES. THIS WAS CONFIRMED SEVERAL DAYS AGO IN THE LOS ANGELES TIMES WHEN IT WAS REPORTED THAT DOCTORS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT BOTOX APPARENTLY DRIFTS AFTER INJECTION, AND THAT DRIFTING BOTOX OCCASIONALLY ENDS UP ON THE BRAIN. THOSE WHO HAVE READ MY BOOK KNOW THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL ALTERNATIVES TO BOTOX. I URGE ANYONE CONSIDERING BOTOX INJECTIONS TO FAMILIARIZE THEMSELVES WITH THE NEW RANGE OF INJECTIBLES AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHO'S HOLDING THAT NEEDLE. AS FOR PRISCILLA, LET'S HOPE THAT SAME INCOMPETENT PERSON DID NOT INJECT HER G-SPOT!! (SEE BLOG DATED 3-01-08)